Grendel as Grinch

Every Scylding in Heorot liked mead a lot,
But Grendel the beast, roaring outside did not.

Grendel hated Scyldings, the whole Danish clan.
Can I say why? I don’t think I can.

He spied on the Scyldings, he fumed and he wailed.
He watched as in Heorot they drank mead and drank ale.

“How can I hurt them, the king and his thanes?”
Alone in his barrow, it drove him insane.

Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
Grendel got a horrible, awful idea!

That fiendish old monster was up to no good.
He decided to kill them and gorge on their blood.

Outside the mead-hall, Cain-spawn raged and he roared,
And with his great strength he broke down the door.

The Scyldings lined up, their swords in a row.
“You warriors,” cried Grendel, “are the first ones to go.”

He slaughtered the Danes, ripped many apart.
He crunched on their bones and then ate their hearts.

He did the same thing the very next night,
And for twelve years more he continued to fight.

Every night he appeared, that hellbeast, that troll,
He’d kill some more Scyldings and retreat to his hole.

Of Hrothgar’s dilemma the news would soon spread,
And Beowulf in Geatland heard tales of the dead.

When word of the monster reached the valiant Swede’s ears,
He promised to save them and calm all their fears.

So he loaded his ship – fourteen brave men
Sailed to Daneland to serve Hrothgar the king.

Beowulf’s welcomed, though Unfurth’s suspicious,
“You’re young and you’re strong, but this creature is vicious.”

The warrior responded, “I see that you’re shaken,
But last time I went swimming, I dispatched nine kraken.”

“I’m here for the glory. If God’s will be granted,
I’ll kill off this fiend and I’ll do it bare-handed.”

That very night, Grendel stormed in from the moor,
The mead-hall’s entrance was destroyed with a roar.

He snatched up a Scylding and started to eat him,
When Beowulf bounded right up to meet him.

The two joined in battle, throwing benches and chairs.
Amidst all the chaos — the fiend was caught unawares.

The monster was fierce but suffered great harm,
When Beowulf grabbed him and ripped off his arm.

The pain tore though Grendel, it hurt like none other,
So he turned tail and ran back home to his mother.

The Danes gave a cheer, the ale started to flow,
“Hail Beowulf, a most righteous bro.”

The king gave a speech and handed out treasure,
Armbands, halberds, and gold without measure.

After a night of carousing, all were fêted and fed,
The queen blessed them all, “Now safely to bed.”

But out in the moor a dark phantom howled,
To revenge her dead son, Grendel’s mom prowled.

That fey creature too, stormed the king’s hall,
That uncanny wight grabbed a Scylding to maul.

In the darkness she vanished with carrion prey,
And the Danes set to mourning at the break of the day.

“Beowulf, help us,” the stricken king cried,
“A new monster plagues us. So many have died.”

So the Geat girded his armor and took Hrunting, his sword,
And followed the blood trail down to a fjord.

Beneath the dark waters the she-devil had fled,
And the horrified court shivered with dread.

“Send my gold to my father if I do not return,”
And Beowulf dove into waters that churned.

To an undersea lair the creature retreated,
And Beowulf followed, his quest uncompleted.

For nine solid days, a fierce battle raged,
The warrior determined, the monster enraged.

Beowulf slew her, and claimed as his prize,
The head of fierce Grendel, whose dead body lies

In the cave where he fled, now pale like his mother,
Beowulf’s lucky there’s no sister or brother.

Back on the land, Hrothgar’s men start to grieve,
Thinking Beowulf dead, and they’re ready to leave,

When suddenly, splashing his way to the shore
The warrior appears, covered in gore.

Spotting the fighter, the knights give a cheer,
“Our soldier, our valiant, a man without peer.”

Finally with victory, Daneland’s at peace,
The living can party, all battles have ceased.

Upon Beowulf’s shoulders more treasures are placed,
Our hero’s reward for the dangers he’s faced.

The queen gives him thanks, hurrahs fill the streets,
Beowulf returns to the land of the Geats.

He’s met with acclaim and amidst all the cheers,
The Swedes make him their king, he reigns fifty years.

(At the end of his life, one more adventure there’d be,
He died fighting a dragon and was buried at sea.)

 


It’s come to my attention that this is assigned reading for some of you.  Please send me an email or add a comment with your school and course, I’d love to hear what you’re studying. Thanks!

78 comments

  1. This is what happens when you try and read Beowulf when The Grinch is on TV.

  2. Regina Hart · · Reply

    Brilliant!

  3. Wow… this is just amazing!

  4. Xtophr · · Reply

    This is the smartest thing I’ve read all year. Brilliant!

  5. More More!

  6. gwyllion the geat · · Reply

    ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    p.s. i am a BIG GEAT fan!

  7. Melissa Ridley Elmes · · Reply

    FANTASTIC! I am going to create an illustrated manuscript of this and read it to my girls every year, right alongside The Night Before Christmas!

    1. Please send me any illustrations you create, I’d love to see them.

  8. It would be pedantic to point out that the remains end up in a barrow on land, visible from the sea… So I won’t do that. You are a funny guy; I would go see one of your plays.

  9. Harry Osell · · Reply

    it takes a Swede of course

  10. Reblogged this on Badger Print Pantomimes and Scripts and commented:
    I have often said that Beowulf is ripe for the panto treatment. And if this doesn’t prove it’s adaptability then I don’t know what will!

  11. jellette · · Reply

    Great!

  12. Fabulous! Particularly love it because there may actually be a connection between Grendel and the Grinch — see the end of this video about Yule (http://youtu.be/thKqObFOw08) or this blog (http://www.alliterative.net/blog/2014/12/16/merry-christmas-and-happy-yule). I think Dr. Seuss would be impressed!

    1. That’s great. Thanks for the links.

  13. […] Click here to keep reading the full text at The Heretic’s Mirror […]

  14. Reblogged this on The Æthelmearc Gazette and commented:
    For your Yule-tide entertainment, a re-blogging of a piece from 2012, written by

  15. Mistletoe · · Reply

    Reblogged this on House Rockbottom.

  16. It is quite witty,
    Not possibly shitty.
    We thank for the laughter
    During and after

  17. Awesome

  18. Reblogged this on mrrobin86's Blog and commented:
    So cool

  19. I wished I had read this version in college when I was sleeping through the classic text. Pretty much sums it up.

  20. Awesome!! 🙂

  21. Awesome! Epic poem, literally. 😉

  22. Reblogged this on Tobias Grenley's All-Purpose Anonymous Soap Box and commented:
    I thought this would be a good way to celebrate Christmas. Speaking of which, I love this time of year because there are always pizzelles and mixed nuts.

  23. Wowsers! Ditto what THEY said. (I loved it! Fantastic.) Now I dare’s ya’ to do it again, translated into Old English. Retaining the meter. Bwah-ha-ha!

  24. This is awesome!!

  25. K.S. Hernandez · · Reply

    Awesome!! 😀

  26. Jason Preater · · Reply

    Hail Beowulf, a most righteous bro!

  27. Wow! Just discovered your blog and will be back for more. Well done!!

  28. Reblogged this on Dog & Hydrant and commented:
    A Dr. Seussian side to a lengthy tale, Of a man named Beowulf in a hall of ale.

  29. This is great!:D

  30. Sorry, but I have to be a real Grinch here. I took a course in Old English as part of my master’s degree requirement.
    The Beowulf poem has nothing to do with Christmas. Its real theme is the proper qualities of a good king, as Scyld Scefing was held by the poet to be: “ϸæt wæs gōd cyning!” (line 11) Of course, physical strength was a necessary quality, but so was courtesy, wisdom, and dedication to duty. It was the last of those qualities which was outstanding in Beowulf the man, who, in his old age and knowing he hasn’t a chance of surviving, goes out with a small cohort to kill a dragon which has been killing his people. Not many people, I fear, bother to read the Beowulf poem to its end, but that last episode is, for me, the best part of the poem.
    Moreover, this blogger has employed rhymed couplets to present a rather dull summary of the events at Heorot, while the Beowulf poet used alliteration with no rhymes. The divergence here would have been all right if the summary had been funny, as at least one reader apparently thinks it is; but I don’t see the slightest glimmer of humor in it.
    Another current attempt to make “Beowulf” into a comedy is a comic strip (of all things!) called “Kid Beowulf” which you can find at “GoComics” on the Internet.
    I love my native tongue too much as well as the Beowulf poem to allow its mistreatment to go unchallenged.

  31. This is quite well done. Your lyricism and laconic wit brought a smile to my face. Bravo!

  32. This is funny! well done

  33. @sboard@lanadelrey@bilvida

  34. Is this app for kids???

  35. That is just too awesome. 🙂

  36. Reblogged this on mdjhanif.

  37. waitingforprincecharming · · Reply

    Amusing read, thank you! *chuckle*

  38. masumamim · · Reply

    Reblogged this on masumamim.

  39. Gag. When will people quit celebrating the Grinch’s change of heart? He’s the quintessential Judas. He knew the truth, lived the truth, and then caved to peer pressure in the guise of emotional appeal.

  40. So clever! Loved it 🙂

  41. Reblogged this on bdchittagong.

  42. amatusdeum · · Reply

    Reblogged this on Amatus Deum.

  43. Ohh, wonderful!

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