Maxims from the Paranoid School of Philosophy

Descartes – I think, therefore they are out to get me.
Voltaire – If someone were not watching me, it would be necessary to invent him.
Hegel – Only one man ever understood me, and he tried to kill me.
Heraclitus – They’re just waiting for me to step in the same river twice.
Rousseau – Man is born free, but everywhere there are people waiting to put him in chains.
Hobbes – They are out to make my life solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.
Sarte – Man is condemned to be pursued.
Socrates – True wisdom comes to each of us when we realize that there’s a conspiracy.
Aristotle – The aim of the wise is not to secure pleasure, but to avoid being murdered.
Heidegger – Why are there Beings following me instead of Nothing?
Plato – We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is that men outgrow it.
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Lao Tzu – In a journey of a thousand miles, there is always someone one step behind you.
Socrates – I know only one thing, and this is that I’m being stalked.
Leibniz – We live in the worst of all possible worlds.
Thoreau – I went to the woods to discover the truth.
Kant – To be is to know surveillance.
Marx – Workers of the world, look behind you.
Wittgenstein – A man will be imprisoned in a room; I am that man.
Hegel – Mere goodness can achieve little against those who are persecuting us.
Confucius – Everyone is shadowed, but not everyone sees it.
Bentham – Secrecy, being an instrument of conspiracy, is how the government conceals the black helicopters.
Hume – It is a just political maxim that every man must be a member of the Illuminati.
Pascal – Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it to me.
Kierkegaard – Life is filled with hidden forces which can be sensed but never discovered.
Nietzsche – What doesn’t kill me is probably waiting around the corner to try again.

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