Looking at Polling Data after Loss, Republicans Embrace Science
After exit polls revealed the demographic realities of the Obama re-election, top GOP officials have announced their intent to embrace science in hopes of changing the result of future elections.
When asked if this meant giving up their doctrinaire positions on such topics as climate change, women’s health, and evolution, however, they denied any differences in the party platform were required.
“Cloning,” a top advisor informed us, “is the solution. If we look at the polls, we lost the women’s vote, the Blacks, the Hispanics, the Asians, and everyone under 45. What we need is more old white guys. We’re going to build them.”
Even now, work has begun on a vast underground warehouse of nutrient-filled vats, in which a fresh batch of old white guys will be grown. The broth of chemicals that will feed the clones is the same solution used to culture the E. Coli bacteria, but for this purpose it has been enhanced with traces of Scotch whiskey and Viagra.
Some in the evangelical community have expressed concern that they clones may not be fully human, and are worried that the newly created voters won’t have a soul. The spokesman dismissed these fears explaining, “Dick Cheney didn’t have one, but that never stopped him from being a solid Republican.”
Queries about how the clones would be raised, what would be done with them outside the election season went unanswered, but a confidential source reveals that plans were afoot to house the men in abandoned movie theatres, where they would live on popcorn and diet soda and spend their time watching Atlas Shrugged and old Clint Eastwood movies. “It’s not like most of these guys had much in the way of lives, anyway,” opined the source.
The vast network of computer-controlled robo-call machines left idle after the election is being pulled into service again to search for old white male donors to contribute to the project. Once selected, applicants are advised to forward 6-8 toenail clippings to the project’s headquarters. Genetic material will then be extracted and used to create the next generation of GOP voters.